


Love Her Like She Should Be Loved

by julemmaes



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Family Angst, Friendship, Love, Nessian - Freeform, Secret dating, amren can go fuck herself for all i care, cassian get angry, cassian is our only friend in this fic, elain is a douche, feyre is a douche, morrigan is a douche, nessian angst, nesta is not mentally stable at all, rhysand is a douche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26512171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julemmaes/pseuds/julemmaes
Summary: Cassian can't stand the petty-little-not-so-subtle comments their families are making about Nesta and he's pushed over the edge by something Rhysand says. He'll take Nesta's defense while blaming the others for everything wrong in their relationship with his girlfriend.
Relationships: Feyre Archeron & Rhysand, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand, Nesta Archeron & Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Cassian
Comments: 44
Kudos: 156





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Gotta love a little angst. Nesta is not is this part, though I guess she'll be in the next one. For more content visit my blog on tumblr (@julemmaes)

His day was not going well.

He was supposed to give an analysis exam that morning, but the professor had not warned any of the students that he wouldn’t show up because of something personal. After an hour in which they waited, one of the secretaries of the university came to inform them that no test would be held, Cassian just wished he was dead. In addition, he had spent the entire afternoon serving at Elain's small _café_ and now he was exhausted. Especially since he had to argue with an old lady who insisted on ordering something that wasn't on the menu.

Sometimes the girl would ask him to help her, when it happened that the staff was not available and the customers were much more numerous than one would expect on a Wednesday in the middle of February. Cassian didn't mind, he would have nothing better to do anyway. With his part-time job at a bookstore and his classes at the university, he found it hard to have days to himself and never made plans unless he was sure he could get them done. Then, however, a little extra money would help.

He had just arrived at the door of the apartment he shared with his two brothers when he heard Morrigan's shrill voice, followed by Feyre's loud laugh.

 _Shit_ , he had completely forgotten that they were all going to be home tonight.

Puffing, he opened the door and as soon as he walked in he was welcomed by the exalted cheers coming from the living room. He closed his eyes, grimacing. They were all already drunk. He heard Rhysand calling out to him and, taking off his shoes very slowly, went to the others.

"There he is! Fucking finally," shouted Mor, lying halfway down on Amren's legs, "You took your time. Ellie said you left the shop more than two hours ago, where have you been?" she asked with shiny eyes because of the alcohol. Cassian took a look at the others and saw that the only one who seemed to be still sober was Azriel, but looking at the glass in his brother's hand he knew he wouldn't be like that much longer.

He moved his gaze back to the blonde and shook his head, "Taking a walk." he simply replied, then ran a hand over his face, "Well guys, I'm going to sleep. I would kindly ask you to keep it down, but I know it's impossible, so if you could not drag it out too long, you would do me a favor."

Rhysand burst out laughing and Cassian turned to him, noticing only now that Feyre was curled up on his lap, "I don't think so. You haven't partied with us in almost a week." Azriel made a sound of approval, whispering a faint _true_ , "We miss you," he added, sulking.

Cassian snorted again, they were right. Actually, he hadn't been on the couch to have a drink with his friends for over a week, but there was a very specific reason. And the reason was called Nesta.

It had been five very long months and keeping their relationship hidden was starting to get tough.

"Listen," began Cassian, trying to find a way to escape it one more time and go to sleep. "I'm very happy that you only have three classes a day and then you can come here and get shit-faced, but-"

"Oh come on, my sister's coming later too." Feyre interrupted him, slurring her words. "We could play Risiko, with your rules. Would you stay in that case?"

He knew very well that it wasn't Nesta. No, it couldn't have been her. They never invited her. And he wasn't in the mood to play Drunken Risiko at all.

Cassian glanced at her involuntary, clenching his jaw and starting to walk backwards towards his room. "I repeat, I'm very pleased that you still have so much time to lose in these things, but tomorrow I have to work all day and I'm exhausted."

Armen scoffed, "God it's like hearing her sister," said the friend looking him straight in the eye, pointing with her chin to Feyre, who had tightened even more on her boyfriend. Cassian stopped at the living room door, looking at Amren in turn. Feyre nodded, with her eyes closed, "It's true, she’s been a bit of a bitch lately.”

As Feyre spoke, Cassian saw the image of Nesta smiling at him as she sat on her kitchen island, telling him he was an idiot.

Rhysand chuckled and leaned his head against the back of the armchair, "Take the 'a bit' away."

"The other day I met her at the mall and, like any sane person would do, I went to say goodbye to her and she just looked at me and left," Morrigan said, settling better on the couch, in what everyone in their group called the _gossip_ _pose_. Legs bent under her body and a glass of red wine in her left hand.

Cassian wanted to leave, but couldn’t move. That was the reason why he hadn't been able to go out with his friends in the last few days: whatever they did, in one way or another, they were able to drag Nesta into the conversation and talk shit about her.

"I just can't figure out what's wrong with her," said Rhys, looking annoyed by what Morrigan had just told them. Cassian remained silent. He didn't want to argue with his family and it would have been avoided if he had simply left.

Feyre stood up to pour herself another glass of wine. She sat down next to Amren, resting her head on her friend's shoulder, "I really wish I knew that."

 _It would be enough for you to talk to her from time to time_ , thought Cassian, crossing his arms on his chest. He caught Azriel's gaze for a second and saw that his older brother was watching him attentively. Too attentively for his liking. He raised an eyebrow, as if asking what he wanted. Azriel was about to open his mouth when the doorbell rang. Everyone's attention sprang towards the door.

"It must be Elain," said Azriel as he stood up, "hopefully she's not as dead as someone else is tonight," he said, making a snide remark to Cassian, who took advantage of the moment to turn on his heels and go to sleep. Elain wouldn’t have been offended if he didn't say hi.

As soon as he closed the door to his room he took a deep breath.

He undressed and lay down on the bed without worrying too much about getting under the covers. He let his hair loose, letting it fall on the pillow and then he starred at the ceiling. He picked up the phone shortly after and opened the gallery, starting to scroll through the photos in the folder called _books' stuff_.

Rhysand had a nasty habit of taking his cell phone and looking through his stuff and this was the only way to make sure he didn't see the hundreds of photos he had of Nesta and himself.

He thought about the last half year they had spent together.

He thought about how almost five months earlier Nesta had felt sick while she was alone with him and how she thanked him when he was able to calm her down and how she ran away soon after.

He thought of himself, losing whole nights of sleep thinking about what to do, whether to try to talk to her about what had happened or whether to let it go.

He thought of when Nesta had insulted him when he had given her the number of his therapist and when after talking to her for hours about his personal problems Nesta had looked at him with a completely different expression on her face.

He thought about when she had refused his therapist's number again, but promised him she would seek help.

After a month, she asked him if he wanted to go out with her. On a date. Cassian was a bit shocked at the invitation, convinced that Nesta was not looking for anything serious at the time. He had accepted regardless and this had led to several other dates, before they made it official about two months later.

Neither her sisters nor his brothers suspected a thing and both were inclined to keep it a secret. Nesta had had no problem doing so, as she hardly ever went out with the group, there was no risk of it slipping out of her mouth. For Cassian it was something else entirely. Especially in the last period.

Nesta was going through a very difficult period and Cassian was always nervous, on edge, ready to do whatever Nesta needed. While their families did nothing but insult his girlfriend.

There had been days when Cassian, worried that Nesta hadn't answered him for hours after calling him desperate because of something that had happened at work, nearly broke down. He had run to her apartment that time and Nesta had not opened the door. He had almost called Feyre to ask her for the spare key, but he managed to convince Nesta to let him in.

They had spent two days in her bed together, Cassian making up a stupid excuse with his brothers for not being home.

His flood of thoughts was interrupted when he heard the others laughing.

He put the phone on the bedside table again and lay down on his side, trying not to listen to what they were saying in the other room.

It proved impossible.

 _"Have you heard from Nesta lately?"_ Feyre asked. Cassian brought the pillow over his ears, but it was of no use. _"No, not really. She doesn't even answer the phone,"_ answered Elain.

 _"Yeah no, because I ran into her the other day while I was shopping and she didn't even say hello."_ Mor repeated in that shocked tone.

Cassian loved everyone in that house so terribly, but if they had continued like that, he would have had to go out.

 _"I really don't understand how she can behave like that."_ a little pause, _"I've tried so many times to get her to do something with me, but every time she insults me and tells me to mind my own business."_ Cassian knew about Feyre's various attempts to help her sister. Nesta had told him about all the times she had tried to force her to dress up in a certain way so she could go dancing and meet some guy. Of all the times Feyre had told her that she needed a holiday, that they could go together to places like Adriata or on the south coast, where the beaches were populated with life and people their age.

 _"God that girl really gets on my nerves,"_ said Rhysand. Cassian wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him.

 _"I feel sorry to even talk about her like_ _this_ _, but there are times when I can't understand why she hates me so much."_ Feyre spoke again. Cassian scoffed, knowing full well that she didn't feel sorry at all. Elain replied, _"Oh no, Fey-Fey, don't feel bad. She's the one who gets away from everyone."_

 _"But does she realize that if she continues like this she will die alone and sad?"_ this comment broke something inside Cassian's chest. Even more so because it was Mor who had said those words.

_"Maybe she deserves it. With how she treats you, she doesn't even deserve you looking after her in this way"._

_"Maybe you are right. Every time I try something new, she pushes me further and further. It makes me feel like a bad sister,"_ continued Feyre, in a lower voice than before.

 _"See? It also makes you feel bad. She's just a_ _selfish_ _bitch who seeks attention,"_ concluded Rhysand.

Cassian couldn't take it anymore and got out of bed, slamming the door against the wall when he opened it.

"Cassian-"

When he entered the living room Mor looked at him with wide open eyes. She had got up and was coming towards him when he raised his hand to stop her.

"Shut up!" he shouted as he looked at Rhysand immediately afterwards. "Repeat what you said." he challenged him, keeping his distance. They were all looking at him in shock. His breathing ragged.

"Cass...what's going on?" asked Elain, getting up and standing next to Mor.

"I said shut up," he said, keeping his gaze fixed on his younger brother. "Again, repeat what you just said."

Rhysand looked at him with blurred eyes. Perfect, he was completely drunk, "Calm down man, we were just talking about Nesta." He looked at him frowning, "What's wrong with you?" said Rhys getting up and stiffening, staggering slightly. Azriel stood up in turn, shifting his gaze quickly from one brother to another.

Cassian contracted his jaw, clenching his fists.

"Why are you so upset?" asked Feyre, always sitting, probably too drunk to stand. Cassian looked at her and took a deep breath. Feyre looked at Amren as soon as she burst out laughing.

Everyone’s focus shifted to the girl, who looked like she was about to be sick from all the laughter. Mor kept looking at him though and he just wanted to tell her to stop staring.

"Why are you laughing?" Rhysand asked, even more confused than before.

Amren wiped her tears away, "It’s so fucking obvious that Cassian and Nesta are dating at this point that I really don't know how you haven't figured it out yet."

Cassian looked at her with his mouth wide open, "How...?"

"You have no idea how much of an open book you are for those who know where to look." replied Amren without even glancing at him.

"I was waiting for you to tell me about it." Azriel confessed in a low voice. Cassian turned toward him, frowning. Azriel raised his hands as a sign of surrender, shaking his head, "You have hardly been home for a long time, and perhaps I should have asked earlier, but I had my suspicions for a while." he smiled at him, "Well, congratulations." Azriel said, tilting his head and drinking a sip of beer. A toast. Cassian felt a weight lifting from his shoulders.

A weight that fell on him once again when he heard a choked laugh on the other side of the sofa.

"Congratulations? Azriel, are you serious?" Rhysand asked incredulously, passing his hand over his face.

Feyre and Elain were looking at each other in dismay.

"How can you think of getting with-" Mor was staring at him with her mouth open. "-shit, with Nesta? How can you be with such a person?"

Cassian saw red with anger. "Such a person you say?"

Rhysand approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Yes Cass, such a person. You know that she has no emotions other than disgust and hatred." Cassian moved to avoid his brother's touch. _Disgust. Hate._

He saw Nesta smiling at him with one of his T-shirts on, lying in her bed, whispering I love you.

Cassian shook his head. "I really can't tell if you're joking or being serious when you talk about her." he whispered not being able to believe what they were saying. "Nesta, your sister," he said, addressing directly the two Archeron present, "is _not_ doing good."

Elain had the decency to seem surprised. Feyre looked at him with shining eyes, whether it was alcohol or emotion he couldn't tell.

"Nesta is sick and the only thing you can do," he pointed out, "is to sit and drink and insult her until you feel satisfied with yourself.

"We've tried so many times to intervene," Feyre defended herself, in a small voice. She put her hands between her thighs. Cassian laughed and threw his hands to the sky.

"Intervene? Intervene, really?" he asked her sarcastically. He laughed again, no trace of amusement in that sound. "You mean when you went to her house, a few weeks ago, and yelled at her because she didn't want to go out with you and she answered you badly when you told her she had to stop being depressed?" now he was shouting. "Or when you told her that she sucked as being a sister and that she should be a better example for you and Elain?" Feyre held her breath, shutting her eyes.

Cassian turned to the other girl, "And you?" he asked her, a false smile on his lips, "Jesus, Ellie, I see you treating the rest of the world with gloved hands every day. You talk to people as if they were wounded animals and it never occurred to you that your sister might be the only one who really needs it?"

He no longer knew who he was talking to as he raised his voice further and started walking around the room. "If instead of telling her what to do, every day. You always say, say, say, try for once and ask for fuck’s sake. If for once you asked instead of doing whatever the hell you want. It would be enough if you were more interested in what she wants to do and less in what you would like her to do" his head was pounding.

He turned to Rhysand at the end. He gritted his teeth, a grimace of repulsion on his face. "You disgust me the most." his voice broke.

"Cassian-" Azriel got in the way.

"No, Az." as he looked at his older brother he thought that he too was no less. He had never said anything about Nesta, never, but he had never even stopped the others or tried to justify the behavior of the older Archeron.

"You were sick once." Cassian said, as he approached Rhysand. He looked at him raising his chin, breathing heavily. "You were sick and I helped you. You treated me the way Nesta treats her sisters. You treated me worse," he whispered, referring to when he and Rhysand ended up beating each other, because Cassian had pushed him over the edge, "You know what she's going through better than anyone probably does, and yet you're the first one to throw shit at her." Rhys looked towards Feyre. "You don't even know her. And yet you’re ready to act like your dad.” Rhys’ eyes shot to him, any trace of color draining from his face. Cassian knew he’d just hit the right spot.

"And you Mor." He turned to his oldest friend. "You're better than that. You all are." he said to no one in particular.

He closed his eyes and ran both hands over his face.

"None of you ever tried to ask her how she was. None of you have ever made an effort. A real effort." he whispered, with anger coursing through his veins. "I get that Nesta can be difficult at times, but we are the only thing she has. The only thing she should have at least."

with that, he left, going to his room. He got dressed quickly, put on his shoes and grabbed the car keys. Before he left he turned towards the quiet living room, where everyone was staring at one another.

"Perhaps it would be better for us all if we searched our own hearts," he said, opening the door, "If something happens, send me a message. At least now you know where to find me."

Rhysand opened his mouth to talk, probably to apologize, but Cassian had already closed the door behind him.


	2. Got Your Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian having an existential crisis and being me basically every day + some Nessian domestic fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes at the end, I didn't put them here cause they're kinda long, but it's really important to me:)  
> Hope yall enjoy!  
> Oh and there'll be a part three

The second Cassian got into the car the world fluttered.

He closed his eyes, inserting the key into the patch and then stopped.

A lump formed in his throat and when he tried to breathe, he realized he was struggling to do so.

What had he done? He opened his eyes and his vision blurred again.

His hands were shaking and his breathing was now erratic.

"Fuck!" he cried, as a tear slipped down his cheek.

He started the engine and set off as he tried to hold back the tears he knew were building up.

He took the highway after a few minutes and as soon as he was on a side road, without too much traffic, he pressed his foot on the accelerator trying to feel so much adrenaline that he went numb.

He was not going towards Nesta's house. No. To get to her apartment he would have had to take the third exit right after passing the walls of Velaris. But he knew that the second he saw her he would burst into tears if he couldn't let go of some of the anger in his mind.

Anger that was now mingling with guilt.

_Shit, shit, shit._

He screamed, cursing once again, banging his fist against the steering wheel. The car skidded suddenly and Cassian hit the brake in a desperate attempt not to finish beyond the guard rail and in the middle of the fields. The screeching sound of the wheels wearing out on the asphalt remained in his head even after he had stopped. Both hands tightened around the steering wheel and his gaze fixed on the dark road in front of him, lit only by the headlights of his car, while his breathing became more and more uneven.

A sob broke the silence.

And then another, and yet another, until Cassian found himself desperately crying and hitting the steering wheel repeatedly.

His face buried in his hands and his body shaken by the sobbing, Cassian thought about what he had just done. What it meant to have told everyone about Nesta's problem.

He opened the door, getting out of the cockpit to get some fresh air, but as soon as he was out of the car, the crying got worse.

"You fucking idiot," he muttered to himself.

_God, what have I done?_

These last few days had been difficult for him. Stressful.

Nesta was in one of those periods they called "shitty periods". These were days, sometimes in rare cases weeks, when Nesta could not get out of bed. Moments in which every reason for living seemed pointless, in which even the slightest input from outside could destabilize her so much that she had several panic attacks in a single day.

Cassian had tried to stay close to her all the time, keeping the phone close to him in case she called him. He had stocked her fridge with food and went to her house for most of her lunches and dinners to cook her something and make sure she ate.

These weren’t completely bad days. There were times when Nesta smiled, or when she could see the good in the middle of all the shit, but there were still days when Cassian came home exhausted, looking for solutions to problems he couldn't solve, without being able to talk to anyone.

He had thought many times about what would happen if one day he took his brothers aside and explained everything to them. If he explained to them why Nesta was not well, by bringing the psychological explanation into the conversation, maybe they would start to treat her like a human being and not like a monster. But in that case he would have betrayed Nesta's trust.

If she had not yet had that conversation with her family, how could he do that with his own? Who was he to take that freedom away from his girlfriend? There were reasons why Nesta hadn't yet taken that step, reasons that Cassian knew perfectly well.

After all, he had experienced the same things a few years before.

That was people's main problem.

When they asked you what the reason for your actions was and you gave a logical explanation, maybe even saying that you were getting professional help, there were two possible answers: either they told you that you were doing it for attention or they told you things like "then don't be sad", "then stop worrying”, "then stop getting angry about everything". As if it were that simple. As if the traumas and situations you've lived through for years and years of your life and the consequences that come with those can be easily healed by not doing specific things.

And now Cassian had to show up at Nesta's house, pissed off with his family and feeling terribly guilty for telling her sisters what the real problem was.

He slammed his fist on the roof of the car repeatedly, "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

He rubbed his hand over his face, wiping away the tears that were now flowing undisturbed.

He couldn't even talk to her about why he had exploded.

If he explained to her that he had confessed everything because he had been exhausted because of the last week he'd spent taking care of her, Nesta would have pushed him away. Not because she would have been offended that Cassian was struggling between college, work and her, no, that wouldn't have been the case. More likely she would have thought she was weighing too much on him and would have stopped talking to him when she needed him most.

Cassian couldn't allow such a thing to happen. Nesta had only him.

_He could bear it, for her._

"You fucking fuck. Don't bear it," he shook his head, starting to walk back and forth, "you don't have to _bear_ anything. You are doing all this for her, you have to respect her needs and the path will not be easy, but the day will come when she will get better and happy and it _will_ be easier." he often spoke out loud when he was thinking about the matter.

No, he couldn't have told her that this was slowly killing him. He had to stay strong and do it for her. He would apologize to his family and allow them to talk to Nesta - always keeping civil tones - if she wanted to.

 _Shit_.

Maybe he had made things even worse.

Maybe now they would have thought that Nesta was morally blackmailing him and that he was only doing it out of pity. And maybe they would have started to offend her even more, saying horrible things about her.

"Jesus Christ," cried Cassian to heaven. _I will talk to everyone_ , he thought. He breathed.

He would talk to Nesta first and tomorrow morning, when everyone would be sober, he would also talk to the others.

For now, he just had to stop crying and get to her apartment safe and sound.

He looked at the time on the phone and sent a quick message to his girlfriend, warning her that he would be there in twenty minutes. Without waiting for an answer, he got back behind the wheel and made turned to get back on the highway.

True to his words, twenty minutes later he found himself at the door of her apartment. He had the keys and could have entered easily by himself, but he decided to knock. After all, she hadn't read the message; if she heard someone come in at 11:54 p.m., she could have easily attacked him.

When Nesta opened the door she had one eye closed and the other only slightly open. She scratched her cheek yawning, "Cass, what are you doing here?" she asked in a hoarse voice. Cassian blinked a couple of times and Nesta must have noticed his gaze because she stiffened, "Are you alright? Did something happen?" she put her hands forward and Cassian threw himself into her arms, holding her to his chest.

He sobbed and Nesta took a few steps back, carrying him with her as she closed the door behind him. She rubbed her hand on his back, stroking his arms, trying to calm him down.

"I am so sorry," he murmured in her hair. Nesta held him tighter.

"What happened Cass? Is everyone okay?" he nodded and felt her relax in his arms.

Something in Cassian's chest broke. Obviously she had immediately thought of the others. She was always thinking of their families. He broke off the hug and looked her in the eyes. Eyes that were now full of worry.

 _God, he was so stupid_. Nesta already had enough problems of her own, now she would have to fight with the rest of their friends because of him.

"I screwed up," he whispered to her, holding her hand. Nesta put her hand on one of his cheeks, rubbing a thumb under his eye to remove the tears and nodded.

"What do you say you come into the kitchen and we'll talk about it while you drink some water, hmm?" she asked, pulling him towards the hallway. Cassian narrowed his eyes, thinking what would be best to do now.

He didn't want to tell her that her family insulted her almost every day. He didn't want to be the person to remind her of such an evil thing. Nesta wasn't stupid, she knew that one of the main topics of their evenings was her, but that didn't mean that Cassian wanted to open the subject right now.

She handed him a glass full of water and when he drank it in a single long sip, Nesta looked at him concerned, filled it again and handed it to him. Cassian just took it, looking at the liquid.

"You're making me nervous," Nesta whispered, leaning one hip to the kitchen island and crossing her arms to her chest, "it's past midnight and you showed up here crying, Cassian. If you don't want to talk about it now, that's fine -" the man almost laughed, a few months ago she would have forced him to talk until he exploded and they would have argued until the next morning. "we can do it tomorrow, but you are obviously shocked by something and if I can do anything to make you feel better, I want to do it." she tilted her head to the side, offering him a weak smile.

Cassian sighed, placing the glass on the counter and rubbing his face, "I fucked up."

"I figured that," she jokingly said. Cassian glanced at her and she whispered an apology smiling.

She was immediately serious when he said, "I told your sisters you're ill."

Her arms fell to her sides, and her eyes widened slightly.

Cassian leaned forward, leaning with his elbows on the counter and taking his head in his hands. Before she could answer, he had already resumed. "I've been tired lately and stressed about studying," yes, this white lie could go unnoticed, "and by the time I got home they were all drunk and started talking shit about you out of nowhere and I couldn't help it." He took a deep breath without crossing her gaze.

"I said that we are together - or rather, Amren told everyone that we are dating and I didn't deny anything. And then Feyre started blaming all the faults of your bad relationship on you and I couldn't stop talking".

"Did you specify anything?"

He still couldn't look at her, "No, I just said they should behave better and... Nesta, forgive me, Mor and Rhys were there too and I had to say something to them too and-" he froze when he felt a hand of hers resting between his shoulders.

He looked up at his girlfriend and she was looking at him with a loose expression on her face. He wrinkled his forehead. Nesta chuckled silently and ran her thumb between his eyebrows.

"Calm down, Cass." she whispered to him, lowering herself to his height and placing her lips on his temple. Cassian closed his eyes, "I'm sorry," he said to her, taking her hand and carrying it to his chest. He pulled himself up, positioning himself so that she was standing in front of him.

She smiled at him again, "Listen to me, as long as you tell me you didn't say anything too specific is fine with me. If they don't realize that I'm sick, that I'm not well mentally, that's not our problem right now".

Ours. Cassian took a deep breath.

"I should have kept silent anyway, it wasn't up to me to say..."

"Did you tell them that I am going to therapy?"

Cassian shook his head to deny it, "No, of course not."

Nesta wrapped her arms around his neck, tiptoeing and putting her lips on his. Cassian kissed her in turn. "That's alright then," she murmured on his lips.

"I'm so sorry, Nes." He caressed her side and she leaned closer to him.

"I’ve got your back and you have mine, remember?" she asked him.

Cassian nodded only once. "You have my back, and I have yours. Always." he repeated like a mantra. She kissed him one more time, then placed her head on his shoulder and hugged him.

"I love you."

"I love you," he repeated.

They remained in that position, one close to the other, for a very long time. So much so that when Nesta spoke, Cassian jolted, making her laugh and detach from him.

"Sorry," she said with a tired smile on her lips, "When I saw you at the door so upset I thought you had come to break up with me."

It was Cassian's turn to laugh. "You know I would never do that, don't you?"

"Yes, I know."

She said it in such a relaxed tone, so familiar, that Cassian couldn't help but look at her and hold her face in his hands, kissing her again.

"What are you going to do with the others?" he asked her as they both dragged themselves to her bedroom. Nesta grimaced, scratching the back of her neck.

"I don't have the slightest idea, I guess if-" her phone vibrated on the bedside table. Nesta raised an eyebrow, " What the..?" She took the phone in her hand and when she read what was written on it she opened her eyes wide, looking up at Cassian. "It's Feyre, she asked me if we can meet tomorrow. Us and... her, Rhysand. Everyone."

He nodded, starting to undress and opening one of the drawers where he kept some of his stuff. "And are you going to go?" when she didn't answer immediately, Cassian turned around and saw her holding the phone in her hands and looking at the screen, looking focused. "Nes?"

Silence.

"You know that if you don't want to talk to them, you don't have to? No one is forcing you to do..."

"No, I think they deserve it. I owe them some explanations..." she stammered, clutching the phone even tighter.

"And they owe you an apology." grunted Cassian.

She nodded with conviction, as if she hadn't heard what he had just said, and placed the phone on the bedside table. "I'll answer tomorrow though, they may suffer a little more if the things they said tonight were so bad as to make you explode".

They slipped under the sheets and when Nesta's back pressed against Cassian's chest, they fell asleep, one lulled by the other's breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I wrote here is probably the most personal thing I will ever write in my entire life. The few people who know me and with whom I've talked with even just once in "dark" moments know that, for me, talking about how I feel, what I feel in certain situations, is really hard. Not so much to tell the thing itself, as to have to say how my mind reacts to a precise thing. In short, I don't know how to talk about emotions.
> 
> I have a friend, a friend who I really care about and who is part of my family. She is special in the best way, the problem is that I am the only one who really knows her. She is my Nesta. Or at least, as far as this specific ff is concerned, I am this Cassian and she is this Nesta.
> 
> I've never known anyone who was really committed to know her. I have never known anyone who would try to get over that first wall, so high that sometimes you would think it has no end. She is good. She has a heart of gold. And there are those rare cases, like Azriel in my ff, who believe me when I say that she is not like that. Who believe me when I say that it is not her fault if she is forced to behave in a certain way. That she’s working on her problems, but it takes time and they need to be patient.
> 
> Most of the world though, is obviously filled with Feyres and Rhysands and Morrigans. And it's hard to reason with these people when Nesta presents herself as... well, as Nesta. But that doesn't give them the right to call that person a whore, bitch, heartless. It does not give them the right to treat a person as if they were less just because they don’t understand their traumas.
> 
> And the weight that I carry on my shoulders every day for her, to protect her from people who would treat her less for her issues, unfortunately crushes me as much as it crushes her. 
> 
> I have no Cassian.
> 
> I cannot rely on anyone. 
> 
> Her problems are so big that my brain, however open to this kind of thing it is, is not able to find solutions. And I cannot let off steam because her problems are secret. And she has asked me, me rather than 7 billion other people, to keep these secrets. I can’t just simply look for answers in others’ minds cause that’s not how it works.
> 
> And the fear that I feel every day. The terror of not being enough to be able to help her, is excruciating. 
> 
> But I would never want her to know I think these things, cause I know for a fact that it would hit her to the core and she’d think she’s just trouble and that I don’t wanna be there for her. That’s how it would turn out for us and I know it, and I can’t change that cause there’s a balance that need to be maintained.
> 
> So, for all those who are out there, who carry the weight of others on their shoulders without being able to share it with anyone else for fear of hurting their Nesta, you are not alone.


	3. You're Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nessian get to talk to the fam eheh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know yall always tell me not to be sorry, but I AM AND I CAN’T HELP IT. I’m sorry I made you wait sooo fucking long for this, but I’m kinda struggling with things rn and I really hate it so yeah, hope you can understand that. 
> 
> Also, this didn’t go as good as I thought, but I took inspiration from what I think would go down with people I know in real life in a situation like this and I really hope it makes sense for you too. Enjoy!:)

Nesta had responded to Feyre's message the next morning with a simple ' _Okay, we can meet for dinner tonight._ ' and then invited the entire group to her house.

When she warned Cassian that he would have to go grocery shopping for everyone, he was shocked for a moment, looking at her carefully and trying to figure out if she was joking.

"Are you serious?" he asked her, taking a seat at the table and holding the cup of warm milk in his hands.

Nesta arched an eyebrow, throwing a glance over her shoulder, "What?"

Cassian had to tell himself to calm down, because the anger he had managed to repel all night was surfacing again. Not at Nesta, but at Rhysand, Morrigan. "I understand that you want to settle things with your sisters and..." he stammered, "and the others, but invite them here for dinner. Are you sure it won't end badly and that it won't contaminate this safe space?"

Nesta had stopped washing the dishes and although she had her back turned, he knew that her eyes were closed. Cassian stiffened, ready to stand up in case she needed physical comfort. The girl closed the faucet and turned towards him, taking a deep breath, "Tonight will not be easy," she announced.

Cassian nodded as he finished his breakfast and stood up, "I know it won't be easy, that's why I worry," he moved her from her position in front of the sink and put his cup in it, "If tonight goes poorly and you feel overwhelmed, you won't be able to go back to your house in a quiet and peaceful place and calm down." he took to washing the dishes for her, looking down at her face.

"I know, Cass." she passed her hand through her hair sighing, untangling it. She looked at him in turn, looking for confirmation, "But if I let them in here, maybe they will think that I'm really trying to apologize and that I want things to work out." she took one hand to her lips, biting the edge of her nail.

Cassian put the last cutlery in the dishwasher and took her wrist, taking her hand away from her mouth and bringing it to his, before leaving a kiss on her palm. Nesta smiled at him, but that happiness lasted only a few seconds because she grew grim, closing her eyes, "I'm afraid of messing everything up".

"I know, sweetheart." he whispered to her, "I'm afraid too."

She opened her eyes, frowning.

"I'm afraid that Rhys will be so blinded by hatred that he won't hear anything we say." he began, "I'm afraid that Mor will say things that - even if they are not true - will find a way to get under your skin."

Nesta leaned towards him, taking both hands to his chest, "I'm afraid that Elain will understand and that Feyre won't." she murmured, "I'm afraid that they will fight because of me. I'm terrified that this will affect Rhysand and Feyre's relationship more than I can imagine."

Cassian took a deep breath. He hadn't thought about that.

"Listen to me," he took her face in his hands, Nesta looked him straight in the eye, "both your sisters and my family are adults. We're not talking to children. We're talking to people who can think logically and who know what it means to be mentally ill."

She hesitated for a long moment and then nodded with conviction before shaking her head vehemently. She took a trembling breath and Cassian saw the moment Nesta's insecurities appeared on the surface when her eyes became lucid.

She slipped away from his touch, giving him her shoulders and leaning against the island. She was taking deep and quick breaths.

Cassian knew he didn't have to touch her when she was having an anxiety attack, but that didn't stop him from going near her and trying to calm her down. He spoke to her softly, but firmly, "I know it's scary Nesta. I know it's not easy, but you're not alone." he clenched his hands when her breath broke and the instinct to take her in his arms became overwhelming.

"You are not alone and whatever happens tonight we can stop. Whether it's when they arrive and they're still outside the door or it's halfway through dinner, you can get up and leave the room." she still had her eyes closed and a few tears were streaming down her cheeks. "You just have to look at me and I will understand Nes. I will send them away. You don't have to worry about that."

Nesta put a hand on her chest. "Breathe sweetheart. Focus on my voice."

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

_Breathe in._

"What if they all start to turn against me?" she asked in a voice so weak that it broke his heart.

Cassian tightened his jaw, knowing full well that this could be one of many options, "If they even dare to gang up on you, I'll take care of it. I'm not lying when I say that you are not alone."

Nesta held her breath, pressing the back of her hand over her cheeks. Then she nodded once and turned towards him. "I am not alone." she repeated like a prayer.

"You are not alone."

He held her in his arms when she threw herself at him and swung into her kitchen for another twenty minutes before they both had to leave to go to class.

During the morning Cassian had tried to concentrate as much as possible on what the teachers had explained, but as he could well imagine, there had been no way to follow a single lesson. Every single thought he had was focused on the dinner that would take place that evening.

Around lunchtime, Nesta had warned him that there would be six of them. Azriel and Amren would not be there.

He hadn't commented on this choice. After all, he knew that it would already be very complicated to talk to her sisters, with the fact that Morrigan and Rhysand would also be there. Cassian felt slightly relieved that they would not have to endure the enigmatic silence of his older brother and the mocking looks of his friend. He would have thought about it another day to set the record straight with the two of them.

He left campus at five o'clock and very slowly walked to his car. He arrived downtown half an hour later and sat in the supermarket parking lot for a long time, his hands tight around the steering wheel and his eyes fixed onto the void, too deep in his thoughts.

He would not have been able to hold back that night, if Rhysand had even tried to say anything negative or if he had tried to minimize Nesta's problems. He did not know if he would be able to stop if he crossed the line.

He ran his hand over his face, taking a deep breath and breaking that trance he had been in for what seemed like centuries.

Luckily he only had to buy a few things. He had almost finished - he was looking for olives for the Greek salad and couldn't find them in any of the aisles - when his phone rang. The ringtone was not the personalized one he used for Nesta and he didn't bother to answer it quickly.

He frowned when he saw that it was Mor, but brought the phone to his ear nonetheless, accepting the call, "Hello?".

" _Where are you?_ "

Cassian looked around confused, "At the mall, why?"

" _And are you with Nesta?_ "

"No, she's home."

He heard Mor mumbling something and then huffing, " _Understood, well, couldn't you tell your_ sweetheart _to open the door to the house for us?_ " she asked exasperated.

The blood froze in Cassian's veins, "Why are you already there?" he asked as he walked towards the cashiers, hurrying up shortly afterwards. He removed the phone from his ear, looking at the time, "Mor, it's half past six, why the hell are you already there?".

He heard his friend's indignation even through the phone, " _Don't use that tone with me, I didn't show up here earlier out of spite-_ " she was interrupted by someone, presumably Rhysand, who warned her by saying her name. She huffed, " _Nesta told us to come at this time_."

Cassian cursed under his breath and hurried to put all the things on the tape, remaining silent while thinking which way would be the fastest to get to Nesta's house.

" _Cassian?_ ”

He passed the money to the cashier, waiting for the change before answering, "Yes, Mor, I'm still here".

" _So?_ "

"Did you ring?" he asked, running towards the parking lot.

" _Do you think we are brainless? Of course we rang the doorbell!_ " Cassian thought at that very moment that if Mor hadn't dropped the attitude by the time dinner arrived, he would have pulled her hair out one by one.

"I'll call you back in ten minutes," he told her, throwing the bags in the back seats and letting the food fall out.

" _Ten minutes?_ " asked the blonde in a distraught tone, " _I'm not going to wait that long just because that bitc-_ " movement was heard through the speaker and Cassian had to refrain from yelling at Morrigan. A few seconds later, he heard Feyre's voice, " _No problem Cass, we're going for a drive around here and we'll be back in ten minutes, please text me when you're there._ "

Cassian thanked her, praying to every god on earth that others would be as forgiving as she was during dinner. He quickly typed in Nesta's number and drove out of the parking lot, focusing more on what he would want to say to Mor than on the street.

She didn't answer immediately and Cassian had to call her back twice, starting to worry that Nesta had changed her mind at last and that something serious had happened. When she answered on the fourth call, he released a relieved laugh.

" _What is it Cass? I was taking a shower,_ " she said irritated, " _You interrupted the music eighty times,_ " she mumbled annoyed.

Cassian put his hand over his mouth, "Hey baby, listen," he started, going straight to the point, "what time did you say everybody was coming?"

" _At 7:30, why?_ " she asked and he could imagine her naked in the middle of the bathroom with a frown on her face.

"I think you wrote the message with the wrong time then. Mor called me and they are all there already. They buzzed a couple of times, you must not have heard them because of the music."

Silence.

"Nesta?"

" _Fuck, no_." she breathed through the microphone. " _I can't let them up, tell them I'm not at home." she said in a hurry, "I can't be alone with them. I need you here while I do it. I need you here while I'm doing it._ "

"Calm down Nes, I already asked them to go for a ride. I'm in the car and I'm on my way."

" _Are you driving?_ " she asked in the tone of one who seemed to have forgotten everything that had just happened. He didn't answer, knowing full well that he was going to kick his ass. " _God, how many times have I told you not to talk on the phone while driving?_ "

"We're not having this conversation again." he snorted, turning right to take the highway, "Would you send a message to Feyre saying you made a mistake and the appointment was supposed to be in an hour?"

Nesta hesitated and then asked quietly, " _Can't you do it?_ "

"You just yelled at me because I'm on the phone with you while behind the wheel and you want me to write a message?"

" _You could pull over,_ " she asked.

Cassian knew where all that anxiety was coming from and asking her to do something that would stress her even more on a day like this would be bad. He swelled her cheeks and released all the air and then nodded, "Alright, see you in ten."

" _Pull over, though, don't text while you're driving._ "

"Yeah yeah, don't worry."

" _I swear Cassian that if they call me from the hospital-_ "

"They won't," he reassured her, chuckling, "See you in a bit."

He put down the call with Nesta and called Feyre back, warning her that there had been a misunderstanding and that they would not be ready for at least another hour. The girl had reassured him that there were no problems, but despite Feyre's various attempts to mask Mor's offenses, Cassian had heard them anyway.

He arrived at Nesta's apartment in a very short time and as soon as he entered the house, she was all over him. The bags full of food fell from his hands when he had to hold Nesta to his chest to avoid falling backwards.

He breathed in her hair, rubbing his hands on her back in relaxing circles, "Hello beautiful".

"You haven't even looked me in the face yet," she murmured against his chest in a muffled voice. He snickered, "I don't need to see you to know that you are beautiful."

When they broke off to kiss Cassian felt that she was hesitant.

He put his hand on her cheek, "Are you sure you want to do this tonight?"

She closed her eyes, relishing in the moment, "Cassian, as much as I love you, tonight I need you to tell me that I'm ready and not give me a way out every time we talk."

He nodded, frowned and put on a fake tough-guy-expression, imitating the voice of his high school coach, "What are you hugging me for, woman? Tonight you have to be strong and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I should have let your sisters in and let the wolves eat you alive."

Nesta pushed him slightly, with a grimace on her face, "Stupid." she whispered.

He gave her a sincere smile, moving a lock of hair from her face, "What do you say you start cooking something so I can take a shower without the terror of you running away and as soon as I get out of here I help you finish?" he suggested, taking off his jacket and taking the groceries to the kitchen, Nesta just tailed him. She answered affirmatively and after leaving a kiss on her lips, he ran to the bathroom.

When he came out, washed and combed, it was quarter past seven and Nesta had set the table in the small living room. The Greek salad without olives was in the center, next to the keftedes she had prepared during the day. Cassian really did not know with what desire and spirit she had cooked all that good food for people who had always hated her.

He entered the kitchen when Nesta took the moussaka out of the oven, also result of her afternoon spent cooking and Cassian started to cut the bread and put it together with the various cheeses and cold cuts he had bought.

Nesta wasn't talking, but he saw it in the way she was jerking and looking around frantically that her nerves were about to explode. When the oven timer rang, Nesta almost screamed and Cassian had to stop what he was doing and went towards her, grabbing her by the shoulders, "Look at me."

Nesta looked at him immediately.

"Talk to me." he whispered to her.

She remained silent, so he gave her a hand in starting the conversation, "When are you going to tell them?"

"Tonight."

Cassian chuckled, "Obviously," she sighed, "I meant at what point. Before dinner, during, after?" he asked confidently so as to pass on some of that comfort. He also knew that, for her, having a plan of action, whether it was for dinner or a vacation, was very important and took away a lot of the anxiety that these things brought on her.

She straightened her shoulders, "I don't have the slightest idea, I thought doing it before, maybe with a glass of wine, would be better, but then I thought that if it goes wrong they will leave before we can eat and then we would have to eat Greek for days and not that I mind, but I don't think it's the best for our diet, you know. " she looked him dead in the eye while she was blathering on, clasping her hands around his forearms, "Then I thought about doing it during dinner, but if we start yelling at each other-" " _They won't go that far, I promise you_." "You don't know that. If we start yelling at each other and then someone chokes on the food, we risk one of us suffocating and dying. And I would like to avoid that." Cassian laughed at that point. Nesta looked at him very badly, "And afterwards, we might as well do it, but afterwards they are more likely to leave earlier, because maybe they think they'd done their part and had dinner with me, they apologize, I apologize and then they leave and I don't have time to explain myself."

Cassian raised an eyebrow, "So you want to do it first?"

"I don't want to eat Greek for a week, I've made so much that we could feed an army."

"During dinner seems the best moment honestly." he confessed to her, tearing her hands from his arms, taking the souvlaki and putting them in the oven. Nesta thanked him quietly. "I mean, we could approach the topic at any time, doing it between one piece of spanakotiropita and the other shouldn't be too complicated."

Nesta was about to answer when the doorbell rang and she froze on the spot.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit."

Cassian wanted to open the door and send everyone away, because Nesta had started moving in circles and was waving her hands mid-air. He had seen her anxious about a lot of things, but he knew that this would be a decisive point in her life and the idea of the change it would bring - whether positive or negative it would be - was overwhelming.

"Remember sweetheart, the second you want them to leave, you look at me, you wink at me and I'll let you escape." he reminded her, approaching the front door and pushing a button to open the gate of the building. They would be in the house in less than a minute.

Nesta was torturing her hands, but now she had a hard look on her face, "I'm scared shitless of Morrigan," she whispered. Cassian didn't have time to answer because someone knocked and he was forced to open the door.

Feyre gave him a wide smile that didn't reach her eyes and his gaze went from the two Archeron sisters to Rhysand.

He hadn't heard from him that day and hadn't seen him since the night before, when he had screamed at him.

He smiled at him in a strange way, but the younger one seemed to appreciate the gesture anyway because he gave him a lopsided smile in return.

"Hey Cass." Mor said in a tone that promised trouble, "Are you going to let us in, or are you having serious issues with welcoming people into your house too?"

His jaw hardened and Nesta appeared at his side, placing a hand on his arm. The blonde's eyes snapped to the spot where her hand was clutching the fabric of his shirt, "Sorry Morrigan, I didn't hear the doorbell before and I made a typo, I didn't think your life depended on the hour I made you lose. And I didn't think you'd be interested in coming here and watching me cook, I'll take that into account next time."

Mor nodded once, clutching her hands on the bag. The two women stared into each other's eyes for eternal moments, until Elain cleared her voice, "Hello Nes."

Things seemed to lighten up and when Cassian stepped aside, letting Rhysand and Mor in as the three sisters hugged, the group split up and the tension in the air seemed to get heavier.

Cassian had no idea how he should behave.

"This way." he pointed in the direction of the living room and when he turned to see if they were following him, Rhys handed him a bottle of wine, his lips reduced to a thin line and his shoulders tense.

"Here," he muttered, and Cassian was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't the only one struggling, "Nesta told us not to bring anything, but it looked bad."

"Oh, yes please, open it," said Mor on the other side of the living room, while analyzing the photos on the shelves. Photos of him and Nesta. Photos that his girlfriend had moved every time her sisters had visited in the last few months.

Cassian looked towards the entrance and saw that Nesta and the others were no longer there, they must have gone to the kitchen. He turned to his friend and she was looking over her shoulder at him, "We're going to need it so badly if she's going to keep that attitude all night long".

Rhys sighed, carrying a hand over his face, "Mor, drop it…"

Cassian raised his hand to stop him, without moving his eyes from the blonde, "No, please continue, that's why we are here."

Mor turned completely towards him, grinding her teeth, "I really don't understand how you can be in a relationship with her." Rhysand stiffened beside him, "Did you see how she replied to me before?" she asked, waving one hand towards the door.

"Oh for fuck's sake," whispered Cassian angrily, "you hadn't even entered the house and had already insulted both me and her. You are not the victim here so stop acting like a child and try to understand where all the resentment comes from."

Mor was about to answer, but Elain had just entered the living room and Rhysand had cleared his throat before he took his seat. Mor did the same thing, followed by Elain and Feyre. Cassian shook his head and headed into the kitchen.

Nesta was looking at the pans with the various foods inside, clenching and opening her fists, which made Cassian's chest tighten. He had gone into the room with the intention of telling her that he would not be able to hold back if Mor continued like that, to warn her that if he exploded, it would not be her fault, but now that he saw her so agitated all his attention had turned to her.

"How are you?" he asked her, putting his hand on the small of her back. He kissed her temple.

Nesta turned towards him, taking a deep breath and releasing all the air. She did it one more time. The third time, Cassian breathed with her.

She nodded and took one of the pans, he opened the bottle of wine, took a second pan and returned to the living room.

Elain and Mor sat at the head of the table and Rhysand and Feyre on one of the sides, leaving the seats in front of them free for Cassian and Nesta.

The woman of the house laid the food on the table, asking those present to pass her the plates and what and how much food they wanted. Cassian sat down and poured the wine to Mor, who sat next to him. She gave him a hard smile and thanked him. Then he turned to Feyre and she shook her head, "No, thank you, I would rather not drink tonight."

Elain chuckled, "Wise choice, you were a little out of it this morning."

Rhysand gave her a big smile, "One of the worst hangovers ever, actually."

Nesta stiffened to those words, looking at her younger sister, "Sorry, if I'd known you were sick, I'd have arranged for another night."

Feyre seemed appalled for a moment, but she blinked briefly and was quick to reassure her, "Oh no, don't worry. I've taken something for my headache, and I feel better."

They began to eat in silence and Cassian was too tense and worried not to glance at Mor to really taste the food or start a conversation, but Rhysand seemed to be particularly appreciative, because he was making satisfied noises, "Nesta, this is so good. What is it?" he looked at her face for a moment and Cassian was sure that he was blushing because he bent his head down and kept eating.

"It's moussaka." answered Elain, smiling.

Nesta seemed surprised, "It's a Greek dish, our father loved Greek cuisine and this is one of the recipes he did most often."

"Well, kudos." Rhysand told her, then he turned his glaring gaze to Feyre, "I'm pretty sure you could never cook something like that."

Feyre seemed more uncomfortable than the others, not because of what her boyfriend had said, more because of the situation in general, but she didn't miss an opportunity to brazenly reply, "As if you can do better than me. We both suck and without Elain or Azriel we would have been dead long ago. Probably both buried under boxes and boxes of take-away food."

Elain laughed and Nesta dared what seemed to be a smile.

They joked for a few more minutes and at one point Cassian had relaxed so much that he even managed to laugh at one of Rhysand's jokes. Morrigan seemed to be dead next to him, but he couldn't even look at her and felt her look burn on the skin of his neck.

When the appetizers were finished and the firsts were brushed off the table, the silence spread between the chairs and the tension in the air came back, without announcing its arrival, heavier than before.

"Excuse me," said Mor suddenly, when the silence became too much, she looked at Nesta, "The bathroom?"

Nesta looked at her in turn and Cassian really thought she would not answer her, but then she murmured, "Second door on the right." pointing to the corridor and he relaxed. Mor thanked her, nothing grateful in that tone.

Cassian shifted his gaze to his brother, but Rhysand had his eyes on Nesta. The man cleared his voice, drawing everyone's attention to himself, and narrowed his eyes, "I wanted to apologize, Nesta."

She stopped, placing the fork on the napkin and nodding once.

"I'm..." he coughed, embarrassed, shifting his gaze to Feyre and bringing it back to her immediately afterwards, "I'm sure Cassian told you what happened last night."

Nesta put her hands on her legs and Cassian took the opportunity to hold her hand. The movement did not go unnoticed by the two sisters, who exchanged a glance. "Yes, he told me what happened. Not in detail though."

Rhysand swallowed noisily, "I had no idea you were sick."

So he would have gone straight to the point.

Cassian settled down in the chair, squeezing his fingers around Nesta's.

"You never cared enough about me to ask, it's understandable that you didn't know," she replied, "You never really tried to get to know me."

His tone became harsher, "Considering how you behaved the first times we all went out together and how you always treated everyone in our group, you should not be surprised."

"Rhys." Feyre warned him. He looked at her, raising an eyebrow.

"It's true," he said, turning to Nesta, "You've never given me a chance to really get to know you over the years."

Cassian could see how Nesta's walls were coming up faster than ever. The threat now so concrete that even a gust of wind could have knocked them down and made them weak.

"That's because you never tried to understand my motives, but you stopped at the description that my sister probably gave you." Nesta replied, in an equally harsh tone.

Elain seemed to whimper at the head of the table and cast a worried look at Cassian. He told her silently without speaking that they would not intervene.

Feyre leaned forward, her hands intertwined in front of her on the table, "But Nesta, you must understand that you have never really behaved well with me. You've always treated me as if I were worth nothing."

"I never thought that, and I certainly never said that. I think you are one of the most wonderful people in the world and an equally good artist." then she turned to Elain, "The same goes for you."

"And why did you treat me like that all those years after dad died?" insisted Feyre.

A door at the end of the corridor closed, and a few seconds later Mor appeared, sitting with her back upright, sensing the air.

"Because you weren't the only one to lose your parents, Feyre," said Nesta. By now her eyes had become ice. Elain gasped at those words and reached out to her older sister, but she remained hanging mid-air. "You may not remember our mother, but I do. I lost her and I lost dad on the same day," she said, gritting her teeth. "Just because we reacted differently to the mourning doesn't mean I was okay and capable of taking care of you."

Feyre caught her breath and Nesta resumed, "When dad died, there was nothing of the man I had known for half my life, but the loss was double."

"I never knew..." whispered Elain.

Nesta turned to her, "I never wanted to put this burden on you. I could have handled it on my own. Just as I was sure that you too could have done just fine without me," she whispered, "And so it turned out."

Cassian stroked the palm of her hand.

"I'm sorry for giving you the impression that I didn't care about you, for making you believe that you are not a vital part of my life, but I was young and full of anger and rather than dump everything on you I preferred to keep it all inside and maybe I did more damage than good, but my intention was never to hurt you, Feyre, or Elain," said Nesta, with gleaming eyes.

Mor snorted, "You know, people normally go to therapy for these things."

Cassian took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

Nesta tilted her head to the side, looking at the blonde, "I've been in therapy for months now."

Elain brought a hand to her mouth, looking at Cassian, "You didn't tell us."

He had to clear his voice before he spoke, "It wasn't my place."

Feyre looked at him with her mouth slightly wide open. Rhysand had a thoughtful expression, but he too was staring at his brother.

"And I'd really like to know what your real problem is with me. Because I really can't understand what I've done to you," Nesta asked, looking sincerely confused.

Mor looked at Cassian, looked at his plate, "I don't think you are enough for him."

Cassian couldn't stand it any longer and pulling his hand away from Nesta's grip he turned his whole body to the blonde, "And why should that be any of your business?

Mor gave him a fiery look, "Because I'm your friend and I want what's best for you," she clarified, pointing to Rhysand and Feyre with a painted finger, "When the two of them got together, Feyre was friendly, sociable and never offended anyone in the group-"

"When has Nesta ever directly offended one of you?" Cassian asked exasperatedly, raising his arms to the sky. The girl remained silent, shifting her gaze between the two lovers. Cassian scoffed, "You can't even find an example. God, you're ridiculous." he ran a hand through his hair.

"Ridiculous?" cried Mor, "I'm not the one who has been hiding her relationship for months from her whole family out of fear."

Cassian stood up, raising his voice, "And don't you think that fear is because of the way you are reacting now that I would have preferred to keep it hidden for a longer period of time?!"

Mor was also standing now, "If you had told me before-"

"No!" he shouted, "No! Nothing would have changed. And it's not because you believe that Nesta is a bitch, no! It's because you're always so busy involving everyone in your going-outs and your parties and your bullshit that you don't realize that some people don't like these kinds of pastimes!" he was talking so loud that a vein popped in his neck, "Sometimes I just want to stay home and sleep, but with you it's impossible! Because you always have to force everyone. And now you've finally found someone to stand up to you and say no and you can't stand it."

Mor seemed to be shaking with anger, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't?" Cassian asked laughing, no trace of amusement in the sound, "Have you ever let Azriel decide whether to stay home or not? Have any of us ever said no to you?"

Mor shook her head, not to answer, but shocked by the turn the conversation had taken, "And why do you think so?"

"Cassian, maybe you should sit and drink some water and calm down," Rhysand suggested, looking him in the eye. He didn't even bother to let him know that he had heard it.

"Nesta doesn't bitch to you and avoid you because she's a bad person, but because talking to you means accepting that you have a busy schedule that you don't want to have for the next two months and instead of saying no every time she prefers not to have connections at all" he concluded sighing and throwing himself in the chair.

Nesta rubbed a hand on his back and he closed his eyes.

Fuck.

He had spoken for her.

He shouldn't have.

They remained silent for a few seconds.

"Mor, I," Cassian resumed, in a much calmer and lower tone than before, "I didn't mean all those things, I'm just angry right now and I exaggerated."

"No, don't worry, I understand what you mean." whispered Mor, passing one hand over her shiny eyes, "I'll try not to invite you anymore when I want to cheer someone up."

Fuck.

Cassian knew very well that Morrigan's festive and witty attitude was the reason why they were all so close. All the adventures, all the laughter and the memories... they owed it to her.

"That's not-" he cursed, looking into her eyes, "I'm just trying to say that you don't have compatible personalities, but just because you like to have fun in a different way doesn't mean that Nesta isn't worthy of me or that she's a bad person just because she never went dancing with you."

Morrigan didn't answer, he stood in front of everyone and, surprising everyone, it was Nesta who resumed the conversation, "I've been really bad in the last few months, Mor."

The blonde sat back down, hands in her lap.

"I've been sick and the only person I had next to me was Cassian. I got to know him in these months, I found out what a great person he is and how much he is willing to give for those he loves," she looked at her sisters and Rhysand, back to Mor, "So I understand you perfectly right now. I understand that you're scared and you think that sooner or later I'm going to do something wrong and hurt him, but even if I do, I can assure you that the person I'm going to hurt the most is going to be me."

Cassian looked at her and the tip of his nose started to pinch. He bit his lip. He would not cry.

"I'm working hard to be a version of myself that doesn't scare me and that my sisters can recognize and I can't blame you if you don't know me, because I don't know myself either." she also turned to Rhysand, to whom she had just told practically the opposite.

"Cassian is my lifeline right now and I am willing to let my guard down for you if you are willing to respect my boundaries." she murmured, "I know this doesn't fix things and that your idea of me is still very confused, but I am really willing to give you some of my time to patch things up."

Feyre sniffed, reaching over the table towards Nesta, "Please forgive me."

Nesta smiled genuinely, "I'm sorry too, Feyre."

The younger sister got up from her chair and went around the table, surprising Cassian when she bent over Nesta to hug her. Elain smiled at her from where she sat and stood up a moment later, joining in the embrace.

"To-" Nesta resumed when Feyre and Elain broke away, "To explain a little bit why I act the way I do. I have problems, serious problems interacting with people," she murmured, picking at her nails, "Sometimes I do things I don't want to do just to regret it right away and I know it's no excuse for all the times I've been grumpy, but that's why it happens."

Rhysand cleared his throat for the ninth time, "I've been in therapy too. For several years," he confessed.

Cassian gave him a grateful smile.

"So, I know you have Cassian, and I'm sure your therapist is more than qualified for this kind of thing, but if you ever need another set of ears, you could..." he backed off, thinking maybe he was crossing one of those boundaries Nesta had just talked about, "I mean, if you need something, you can always ask."

"Same thing." Elain added, approaching her, "I may not understand half of it, but I want to be there if you let me."

Nesta nodded, more serious than ever. "Thank you."

Cassian came forward, "Thank you for talking to us sweetheart."

Mor got up in a flash, "Thank you Nesta. Cassian." she turned to the others. The look lost in the air as she gathered her things, "It was a pleasure, and the food was great."

"Mor..." Cassian stood up, "Wait."

His friend turned to him, clenching her fists, "I think I need some time. These are not things that are quickly assimilated," she told him with all the sincerity of the world.

"I understand that and I don't take it personally Morrigan. I can't assure you I'll be pleasant, but if you have any questions I'll try to answer them." Nesta intercepted, before Cassian could make the situation he had already created with the blonde worse.

Rhysand had got up and stood next to his cousin, "Do you want me to drive you home?"

She shook her head and her eyes became shiny. For Cassian it was like receiving a punch in the chest.

Feyre took a deep breath, "Actually I think we should all go." she murmured, "It's been a heavy conversation and I've learned a lot tonight and I think I need a seven-day nap before I can even have a conversation about art again."

That joke got a light laugh out of the whole group.

"You don't need to come with me, I can go by myself." worried Mor, shaking her head when Elain got up and started to get dressed.

Feyre shook her head in turn, "I repeat, I think I'm going to faint and I really need a few moments alone to think about everything too."

Rhysand put his arm around her waist and squeezed her.

Cassian bid his brother goodnight, hugging him and thanking him from the bottom of his heart for coming and listening without creating too many problems.

As soon as everyone was out of the apartment, Nesta burst into tears and Cassian said nothing as he held her to his chest, stroking her hair.

They hadn't gone into details and maybe they weren't on the same page yet, but they would have worked to get there.

It was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you liked it in the comments;)


End file.
